Pillow Talk: 11 Secrets to a Great Sex Life

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et’s talk about sex. If you asked me before I got married, I would have told you that one of the things I was most excited for was sex. I couldn’t wait to be connected to Adam in such an intimate way. I thought our honeymoon was going to just be us in our hotel room the whole time. During and after our honeymoon, however, I found sex to be overwhelming, awkward, disappointing, and honestly, just really difficult.

Five years later and my tune has completely changed. I enjoy sex and look forward to that time with Adam. We have found that it can bring a lot of laughs and a lot of fun!

Here are some things that I wish someone had told me when we first got married:

  • Great sex is a product of emotional intimacy
  • Getting naked physically with our spouse begins by getting naked emotionally. The more emotionally connected we are to our spouse, the greater our sex life will be. Take time to share the innermost parts of who you are with your spouse. Even the vulnerable feelings and fears. As we truly embrace our spouse as our “best friend”, great sex will naturally follow.

    “Getting naked physically with our spouse begins by getting naked emotionally.”

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  • Sex is meant to be enjoyed
  • The beautiful thing about being married is that you get to be intimately connected with one person. Sex is a gift that God gave us to bond ourselves fully and completely to our spouse. When we give ourselves to our spouse sexually, we are saying “I trust you” and “I want to share all of who I am with you”.

    Take time to read Song of Songs. Chapters 6-8 in Song of Songs give a pretty detailed picture of how sex can be enjoyed by a husband and wife. When we understand and embrace that sex is a gift and something that can bring lots of fun, we are laying the foundation for a great sex life.

  • Practice makes perfect
  • By being committed to one person within a lifelong marriage, you get a lot of time to practice! You will both get better at sex as you learn how to please one another. Sex will be something that grows with your marriage. Be patient and take time to explore this gift with your spouse. Sex only gets better the more times you do it and the more you begin to understand what you like and what your spouse likes. The more you do it, the more of a rhythm you will find with one another.

  • Have sex after you have resolved an argument
  • When you and your spouse have resolved an argument, getting naked is the appropriate next step! By having sex after an argument, you are solidifying and protecting the oneness of your marriage

    “When you and your spouse have resolved an argument, getting naked is the appropriate next step!”

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  • Spice things up
  • Nothing between a husband and wife is forbidden in bed, so long as they are the only two involved. No other people of any kind, including all forms of pornography. As long as they are the only two involved, a couple can feel complete freedom to explore together to the extent that they’re both comfortable. Sex should provide safety and never force a spouse to do something they are uncomfortable with.

    There is no shame when it comes to a couple enjoying the beauty of sex as a committed, unified team.

  • Talk about it
  • Take time to talk about likes, dislikes, struggles, and mind-blowing times with sex. Talking about it openly with your spouse might feel awkward at first, but this is part of being naked emotionally. You both want sex to be enjoyable, so talk about ways you can make it better for each other.

  • Get your hands on each other
  • Get your hands on each other and kiss often without sex being the goal. Hold hands, give each other massages, cuddle up during a movie. While sex is great, the act of physically touching your spouse outside a sexual context builds trust and physical intimacy.

  • Sometimes sex won’t produce fireworks
  • There will be times that sex isn’t great and that’s ok. Sometimes sex is fantastic and sometimes it is maintenance. Both types have their place.

  • Think outside the box
  • Do you have a preconceived expectation of what you think sex should look like? Maybe a certain time of day, a certain setting, music/no music, etc.? Time to get flexible (pun intended). You may find that certain times of the day work better for your schedules or a certain song may heighten the mood. Be open to new possibilities.

  • Sexual tension is a real thing
  • When it has been a while since a couple has been sexually intimate, this can lead to sexual tension. Spouses can get snippy with each other or become agitated more easily. Recognize this and head towards the bedroom when you find yourselves here.

  • Focus on learning to please each other
  • When selfishness begins to filter into our sex lives, the result is unsatisfying and can create division between a husband and wife. If you spend all your effort working to please your spouse and they spend all of theirs working to please you, you’ll find yourselves really enjoying your time together.

Often great sex is a learning process that takes time. The Hollywood idea that everyone’s first time is phenomenal isn’t realistic. No matter where you are in your marriage, give yourselves grace and continue working at it. It’s TOTALLY worth it. A great sex life is made when a husband and wife take time to intentionally invest in being intimate.

“A great sex life is made when a husband and wife take time to intentionally invest in being intimate.”

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Are there any things that you would add to the list that really helped your marriage? We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below…

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adam & Jess

Hi, we’re Adam & Jess--we’re so glad you’re here!

Our marriage got off to a rocky start in 2014 and quickly escalated into a full-out crisis. God healed us, and now we're inviting you to walk with us as we all journey toward healthier marriages together!

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